meet the engineer

engineer_gaming

[The engineer is sitting in front of a red truck, strumming his guitar. The track "More Gun" plays.]

Engineer: Hey look buddy. I'm an engineer. That means I solve problems.

[A shot rings out and a bullet hole appears next to the Engineer's head]

Engie: Not problems like "What is beauty?", 'cause that would fall within the purview of your conundrums of philosophy.

[Another two bullet holes appear, on the other side of the Engie's head.]

Engineer: I solve practical problems.

[the shot zooms out to show a level 2 sentry shooting offscreen while the Engie takes a long drink from his beer.]

Heavy: AAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

Engineer: For instance, how am I gonna stop some big mean Mother-Hubbard from tearin' me a structurally superfluous new behind?

[A level 1 sentry turns around and shoots a sniper who was trying to creep up on the Engie from behind.]

Engineer: The answer? Use a gun. And if that don't work, use more gun.

[Another level 3 sentry fired a salvo of rockets, blowing up someone offscreen.]

the scout: MY AAAARRRMMMM!!!!!

[a blown-off hand lands at the Engie's feet]

Engie: Like this, heavy-caliber tripod-mounted little-old-number designed by me,

[Engie kicks the hand off screen as a level 1 sentry blows it apart]

Engie: Built by me,

[A level 1 sentry shoots offscreen]

Engie: and you best hope;

[The Engie's expression darkens, and he stares right at the camera]

Engie: not pointed at you.

[The shot slowly zooms out, showing the massacre ensuing around the Engineer.]

Dimi

meet medic Fade from black to a seemingly peaceful rocky hillside]
[Explosion from behind the hillside, RED Scout and wheelchair-bound RED Demoman rush over the hill. Tense music begins].
Scout: "Move cyclops, move!"
[Cut to Scout and [Demoman fleeing from a barrage of rockets.]
Scout: "Come on, come on, almost - augh!"
[Scout gets thrown sideways by a rocket; Demoman keeps going]
[Cut to Scout lying on the ground, he attempts to get to his knees but collapses.]
Scout: "Eerrrrgh! Argh."
[A trio of rockets arc down towards Scout, accompanied by a whistling noise]
[Scout turns toward the rockets]
Scout: "Whoah! What the f-"
[Cut to a long shot of the explosion, Scout is flung yelling and flailing towards the viewer]
Scout: "-uuuuu-"
[Scout smashes face-first into a pane of glass in the foreground, breaking it and startling a dove.]
Scout: "Medic..."
["Meet the Medic" card appears.]
[Cut to inside the building. As the Scout slides off the window, the camera tilts down and turns right]
Heavy: "Oh-hoh-ho no more!" [Heavy laughs loudly while the Medic explains simultaneously:]
Medic: "Wait, wait, wait, it gets better."
[A Little Heart to Heart is barely audible in the background. Camera continues to turn and tilt, revealing the Medic, casually chatting with an opened-up and conscious RED Heavy, whilst holding Heavy's heart in his hand. A prototype Medi Gun (the eventual Quick-Fix) mounted to an overhead rig is firing its beam into the Heavy]
Medic: "When the patient woke up, his skeleton was missing, and the doctor was never heard from again!" [Laughs madly]
[Heavy pauses momentarily, and laughs again, banging his palm on a tray of surgical tools next to him]
Medic: "Anyway, that's how I lost my medical license, heh." [Heavy suddenly looks very concerned]
[A dove pops up from inside Heavy's gut, surprising both the doctor and his patient]
Medic: "Archimedes! No!" [Shoos the dove away] "It's filthy in there! Eugh."
[Heavy looks at Medic in mild surprise. Medic does not notice]
Medic: "Birds." [Medic chuckles]
[Cut to a mechanical heart device on a tray. The word "Über" can be seen on a small charge meter]
[Medic grabs the device]
Medic: "Now, most hearts couldn't withstand this voltage," [Medic plugs the device into Heavy's heart and brings it into the Quick Fix's beam] "...but I'm fairly certain your heart..."
[Heavy's heart explodes]
[Cut to a trio of doves. Archimedes gets knocked off his perch by a piece of the Heavy's heart]
[Cut back to Medic, with Heavy in the background]
Heavy: "What was noise?"
[Medic quickly recovers from his surprise, casually removing the remains of Heavy's heart from the Über device]
Medic: "The sound of progress, my friend."
[Cut to Medic opening a refrigerator containing several hearts, a Sandvich, and a few beers. One exceptionally large heart is labeled "Mega Baboon"]
Medic: "Ah, perfect..." [Medic grabs the baboon heart, revealing the decapitated head of a BLU Spy in the back of the fridge, somehow sustained by a battery]
Spy Head: "Kill me."